Speeding
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Um, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"
Showing posts with label Smart Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Smart Jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Barack Obama Humor
Barack Obama Humor
Is America finally ready for a black president? That's a question many people are asking these days, as Senator Barack Obama takes the firststeps toward a potential run for the White House in 2008. Obama, 45, born in Hawaii to a Kenyan father and white American mother, is a popular figure and rising star in the Democratic Party, but faces several hurdle as he seeks to become the first pres id ent in U.S. history to understand what Jesse Jackson is saying.
Perhaps the biggest hurdle will be his name, which some Americans are already confusing with another well-known name, as a CNN reporter discovered while interviewing people on the streets of New York.
Reporter: "What do you think of Barack Obama?"
Middle-aged man: "I think we should be trying harder to capture him.What are we doing in Iraq when Obama is still out there, still a threat to America ?"
Reporter: "No, I mean Barack Obama from Chicago . What do you think of him?"
Middle-aged man: "You mean he's in Chicago now? How d id he get into the country? Don't tell me he came through Mexico ! We really need to tighten our borders."
When it was revealed that Obama's middle name is Hussein, many more people were confused, as the CNN reporter found out on the streets of Atlanta.
Reporter: "What do you think of Barack Hussein Obama?"
Thirty-something man: "He got what was coming to him, that's all I can say. He committed crimes against humanity and got what he deserved. Idon'tf eel sorry for him at all."
Reporter: "No, I mean Barack Hussein Obama from Chicago ."
Thirty-something man: "You mean he was from Chicago ? How the heck did he get to be president of Iraq? Come to think of it, I did notice a slight Chicago accent. Too bad he did n't live for a few more weeks. He could have watched the Bears in the Super Bowl."
Barack Obama may seem like a fairly easy name to remember, but even some of his supporters are having trouble with it, as the CNN reporter discovered on the streets of Chicago.
Reporter: "May I ask whom you plan to vote for in 2008?"
Twenty-year-old man: "I really like that guy, what's his name, Obrack Barama."
Reporter: "What about you, Sir? Who gets your vote in 2008?"
Nineteen-year- old man: "Your Mama."
Reporter: "Pardon me?"
Nineteen-year- old man: "Broke Your Mama. That's who I'm voting for.Broke Your Mama."
Reporter: "Oh, I see. And what about you, Miss?"
Twenty-one-year-old woman: "Me? I'm voting for ... uh ... Baroque Alabama".
Obama may overcome the confusion and concerns over his name, but it'll be harder to overcome racism. I'd like to think that the majority of Americans and certainly the vast majority of the younger generation --don't have a racist bone in their bodies or are at least taking medication for it. But it often takes just a small number of votes to sway an election. The 2004 pres id ential election was so close, John Kerry would have beaten George Bush if he had merely convinced everyone named 'John' to vote for him. The 2000 election was even closer. Al Gore would have beaten Bush if he had merely convinced Larry King's ex-wives to vote for him. If Obama gets the Democratic Party's nomination, bus loads of white supremacists may show up at the polls.
Reporter: "May I ask whom you're voting for?"
Supremacist: "What kind of (bleep) question is that? The white guy, of course."
Reporter: "So you agree with him about Iraq ?"
Supremacist: "Of course I do. Our country doesn't need Iraq Boboma --or whatever his name is."
Is America finally ready for a black president? That's a question many people are asking these days, as Senator Barack Obama takes the firststeps toward a potential run for the White House in 2008. Obama, 45, born in Hawaii to a Kenyan father and white American mother, is a popular figure and rising star in the Democratic Party, but faces several hurdle as he seeks to become the first pres id ent in U.S. history to understand what Jesse Jackson is saying.
Perhaps the biggest hurdle will be his name, which some Americans are already confusing with another well-known name, as a CNN reporter discovered while interviewing people on the streets of New York.
Reporter: "What do you think of Barack Obama?"
Middle-aged man: "I think we should be trying harder to capture him.What are we doing in Iraq when Obama is still out there, still a threat to America ?"
Reporter: "No, I mean Barack Obama from Chicago . What do you think of him?"
Middle-aged man: "You mean he's in Chicago now? How d id he get into the country? Don't tell me he came through Mexico ! We really need to tighten our borders."
When it was revealed that Obama's middle name is Hussein, many more people were confused, as the CNN reporter found out on the streets of Atlanta.
Reporter: "What do you think of Barack Hussein Obama?"
Thirty-something man: "He got what was coming to him, that's all I can say. He committed crimes against humanity and got what he deserved. Idon'tf eel sorry for him at all."
Reporter: "No, I mean Barack Hussein Obama from Chicago ."
Thirty-something man: "You mean he was from Chicago ? How the heck did he get to be president of Iraq? Come to think of it, I did notice a slight Chicago accent. Too bad he did n't live for a few more weeks. He could have watched the Bears in the Super Bowl."
Barack Obama may seem like a fairly easy name to remember, but even some of his supporters are having trouble with it, as the CNN reporter discovered on the streets of Chicago.
Reporter: "May I ask whom you plan to vote for in 2008?"
Twenty-year-old man: "I really like that guy, what's his name, Obrack Barama."
Reporter: "What about you, Sir? Who gets your vote in 2008?"
Nineteen-year- old man: "Your Mama."
Reporter: "Pardon me?"
Nineteen-year- old man: "Broke Your Mama. That's who I'm voting for.Broke Your Mama."
Reporter: "Oh, I see. And what about you, Miss?"
Twenty-one-year-old woman: "Me? I'm voting for ... uh ... Baroque Alabama".
Obama may overcome the confusion and concerns over his name, but it'll be harder to overcome racism. I'd like to think that the majority of Americans and certainly the vast majority of the younger generation --don't have a racist bone in their bodies or are at least taking medication for it. But it often takes just a small number of votes to sway an election. The 2004 pres id ential election was so close, John Kerry would have beaten George Bush if he had merely convinced everyone named 'John' to vote for him. The 2000 election was even closer. Al Gore would have beaten Bush if he had merely convinced Larry King's ex-wives to vote for him. If Obama gets the Democratic Party's nomination, bus loads of white supremacists may show up at the polls.
Reporter: "May I ask whom you're voting for?"
Supremacist: "What kind of (bleep) question is that? The white guy, of course."
Reporter: "So you agree with him about Iraq ?"
Supremacist: "Of course I do. Our country doesn't need Iraq Boboma --or whatever his name is."
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Where to Tap
Where to Tap
Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed?
The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do.
After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!" So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer .. $ 2.00
Knowing where to ......... $ 9998.00
Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed?
The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do.
After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!" So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer .. $ 2.00
Knowing where to ......... $ 9998.00
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Arkansas Scholars
Arkansas Scholars
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the President of the US someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the President of the US someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Testing with "CHICKS"
This is allegedly a true story.
Engineers at a major aerospace company were instructed to test the effects of bird-strikes (notably geese) on the windshields of airliners and military jets. To simulate the effect of a goose colliding with an aircraft travelling at high speed, the test engineers built a powerful gun, with which they fired dead chickens at the windshields. The simulations using the gun and the dead chickens worked extremely effectively, happily proving the suitability of the windshields, and several articles about the project appeared in the testing industry press.
It so happened that another test laboratory in a different part of the world was involved in assessing bird-strikes - in this case on the windshields and drivers' cabs of new very high speed trains. The train test engineers had read about the pioneering test developed by the aerospace team, and so they approached them to ask for specifications of the gun and the testing methods. The aerospace engineers duly gave them details, and the train engineers set about building their own simulation.
The simulated bird-strike tests on the train windshields and cabs produced shocking results. The supposed state-of-the-art shatter-proof high speed train windshields offered little resistance to the high-speed chickens; in fact every single windshield that was submitted for testing was smashed to pieces, along with a number of train cabs and much of the test booth itself. The horrified train engineers were concerned that the new high speed trains required a safety technology that was beyond their experience, so they contacted the aerospace team for advice and suggestions, sending them an extensive report of the tests and failures.
The brief reply came back from the aero-engineers: "You need to defrost the chickens...."
Engineers at a major aerospace company were instructed to test the effects of bird-strikes (notably geese) on the windshields of airliners and military jets. To simulate the effect of a goose colliding with an aircraft travelling at high speed, the test engineers built a powerful gun, with which they fired dead chickens at the windshields. The simulations using the gun and the dead chickens worked extremely effectively, happily proving the suitability of the windshields, and several articles about the project appeared in the testing industry press.
It so happened that another test laboratory in a different part of the world was involved in assessing bird-strikes - in this case on the windshields and drivers' cabs of new very high speed trains. The train test engineers had read about the pioneering test developed by the aerospace team, and so they approached them to ask for specifications of the gun and the testing methods. The aerospace engineers duly gave them details, and the train engineers set about building their own simulation.
The simulated bird-strike tests on the train windshields and cabs produced shocking results. The supposed state-of-the-art shatter-proof high speed train windshields offered little resistance to the high-speed chickens; in fact every single windshield that was submitted for testing was smashed to pieces, along with a number of train cabs and much of the test booth itself. The horrified train engineers were concerned that the new high speed trains required a safety technology that was beyond their experience, so they contacted the aerospace team for advice and suggestions, sending them an extensive report of the tests and failures.
The brief reply came back from the aero-engineers: "You need to defrost the chickens...."
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Women ....oh...Women
Women ....oh...Women
Husband shopping center was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids. But I wonder what's further up?"
So up they go. Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking." "Hmmmm", say the girls, "But I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women,"Very tempting, but there's further up!" And so again they go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But what must be awaiting us further on?"
So, up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for your shopping and have a nice day!!!!"
Husband shopping center was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids. But I wonder what's further up?"
So up they go. Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking." "Hmmmm", say the girls, "But I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women,"Very tempting, but there's further up!" And so again they go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But what must be awaiting us further on?"
So, up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for your shopping and have a nice day!!!!"
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
What this people do when got stranded?
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a
beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
What happened to the Indians ?
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman!!! ..... .
^_^
- 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
- 2 French men and 1 French woman
- 2 German men and 1 German woman
- 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
- 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
- 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
- 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
- 2 American men and 1 American woman
- 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
- The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
- The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
- The two Irish men began by dividing up their part of the island into Northern & Southern parts, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember the Irish woman because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey; but at least the English are not getting any.
- The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
What happened to the Indians ?
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman!!! ..... .
^_^
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