A Smart Driver

A Smart Driver

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
"Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you, that the lying bas***d told you, I was speeding, too!"

Person and Mistakes

Person and Mistakes

Teacher: What do you call a person who apologizes if he has committed a mistake ?
Girl: An honest man.
Teacher: Good. And what do you call a person who apologizes even if he has committed no mistake ?
Girl: A Boyfriend.

source: jokebuddha.com

A Knitting Blonde Driver

A Knitting Blonde Driver
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs.
"No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

Pullover = sweater
Scarf = syal/selendang

The Lighthouse

Funny stories though I doubt this is real story (ed.).

The Lighthouse

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, off the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative.You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

US NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. Your move.


:)

The English

The English

An Indian moved to England. His English neighbour decided to call on him to introduce himself and wish the newcomer welcome. The Englishman was surprised to see the man from India in his nice backyard busily absorbed in chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," the Englishman thought to himself. Deciding not to intrude, he could put off the welcome till a later date and went home.

The next evening, he decided he should go again to welcome the Indian. This time, from the street, he saw through the window that the Indian was urinating into a cup and drinking it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself, deciding again to delay the welcome by another day.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Indian. From the gate, he saw the Indian concentrating with his ear pressed hard against a cow's butt. Starting to be annoyed at this behavior in the neighborhood, he went up to the Indian. "I'm sorry to disturb you sir. I am your neighbour. I wanted to wish you welcome,but from what I have seen you doing for the last three days, I am not so sure any more - because we don't want such goings on in our neighbourhood", said the Englishman unable to hold his voice from rising.

'Neither I, nor the other people living in the neighbourhood will stand for your crazy Indian customs!", he almost yelled to the Indian's face. The Indian looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually English customs. I was told, to be English, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."

Note:
Chase Chicks : Going after woman / Trying to find girlfriends.
Get Piss Drunk : The point of drunk where you don't realize that you're drunk, but you manage to piss yourself on someone's porch or something.
Listen to bullshit : listen to nonsense

The Witness

The Witness

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

Don't use mobile inside Toilet

Don't use mobile inside Toilet

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying : "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom But i don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so i say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point I'm just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No....... I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear guy say nervously... .

Listen. I'll have to call you back. There's is an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my
questions! "


hehehehe... :D

A Consultant

A Consultant
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep".

"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not" answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog".

MONKEY IN THE PLANE

MONKEY IN THE PLANE

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: 'When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Tying their belts'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Saying Hello! Good morning!'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Checking the system'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Looking for my people'

Officer: 'After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Having beverages and snacks'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Serving the travelers'

Officer: 'What were the Pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Eating & throwing'

Officer: 'After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Some were sleeping and some were reading'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Make up'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Nothing'

Officer: 'Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'All were sleeping'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the air hostess'

Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!

WHATTTT???!!!!

How did the human race appear?

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

New vocabularies:

• appear: To come into existence
• mankind: Human beings collectively; humanity
• developed: To progress from earlier to later stages of a life cycle

NOT Your Typical Traffic Stop

NOT Your Typical Traffic Stop

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Well for heavens sake, how ridiculous!!! I Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

The Moral Of The Story? Don't Mess With Old Ladies!!


New Vocabularies

• speeding: The act or an instance of driving especially a motor vehicle faster than is allowed by law
• trunk:  A covered compartment for luggage and storage, generally at the rear of an automobile.
• clasping: To hold in a tight embrace;  To grip firmly in or with the hand; grasp
• stunned:  To stupefy, as with the emotional impact of an experience; astound

Welcome to the Republican Party

So, I was talking to this little girl, Catherine, the daughter of some friends, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us - and I asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.'

I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in my back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 dollars to use for a new house.'

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just pay him the $5 dollars?'

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party".

Falling Asleep

Falling Asleep

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring

Alphabet Fun

Alphabet Fun

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson. "I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin... A!" All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'.

She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "Apple". "Very good", said the teacher,
"Now ...  B! ". Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "Ball".

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up. The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a big, fat, f**kin' Rat!"

Love Poets (Old vs New version)

"The Old Version"

If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was.

"The New Versions"

Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she doesn't come back soon,
Forget her.

Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she doesn't come back soon,
Continue to wait until she does come back.

Playful:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
*If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat*

Vengeful:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she doesn't come back,
Hunt her down and shoot her.

C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she = NULL)
m_she = new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
Because all living creatures deserve to be free!

Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the
 Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that ...

Bill Gates:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for reinstallation fees
but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
She'll evolve.

Prime Minister of Japan

Prime Minister of Japan is Hillary's Husband. :)

A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US: Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton,please say 'how are you'. Then Mr Clinton should say "I am fine, and you ?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we translators will do all the work for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is.. When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?" Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor : "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..." Then Mori replied confidently "Me too!" "

*it's unknown whether this is a true story or just a fictional joke*

New Rooster

New Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Husbands are husbands

Husbands are Husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Julie on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man then said "When I was at the races last week Julie was the name of the horse I bet on" The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. "Your horse called up !!!!"

Tall Grass

Tall Grass

A man was riding in the back of his limo when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food" the poor man replied.
"Oh ... please come to my home" said the rich man.
"But sir, I have a wife and 4 children".
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed in the limo and half way away the poor fellow said, "Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking us all in".
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over 3 feet tall!"

Barack Obama Humor

Barack Obama Humor

Is America finally ready for a black president? That's a question many people are asking these days, as Senator Barack Obama takes the firststeps toward a potential run for the White House in 2008. Obama, 45, born in Hawaii to a Kenyan father and white American mother, is a popular figure and rising star in the Democratic Party, but faces several hurdle as he seeks to become the first pres id ent in U.S. history to understand what Jesse Jackson is saying.

Perhaps the biggest hurdle will be his name, which some Americans are already confusing with another well-known name, as a CNN reporter discovered while interviewing people on the streets of New York.

Reporter: "What do you think of Barack Obama?"
Middle-aged man: "I think we should be trying harder to capture him.What are we doing in Iraq when Obama is still out there, still a threat to America ?"
Reporter: "No, I mean Barack Obama from Chicago . What do you think of him?"
Middle-aged man: "You mean he's in Chicago now? How d id he get into the country? Don't tell me he came through Mexico ! We really need to tighten our borders."

When it was revealed that Obama's middle name is Hussein, many more people were confused, as the CNN reporter found out on the streets of Atlanta.
Reporter: "What do you think of Barack Hussein Obama?"
Thirty-something man: "He got what was coming to him, that's all I can say. He committed crimes against humanity and got what he deserved. Idon'tf eel sorry for him at all."
Reporter: "No, I mean Barack Hussein Obama from Chicago ."
Thirty-something man: "You mean he was from Chicago ? How the heck did he get to be president of Iraq? Come to think of it, I did notice a slight Chicago accent. Too bad he did n't live for a few more weeks. He could have watched the Bears in the Super Bowl."

Barack Obama may seem like a fairly easy name to remember, but even some of his supporters are having trouble with it, as the CNN reporter discovered on the streets of Chicago.
Reporter: "May I ask whom you plan to vote for in 2008?"
Twenty-year-old man: "I really like that guy, what's his name, Obrack Barama."
Reporter: "What about you, Sir? Who gets your vote in 2008?"
Nineteen-year- old man: "Your Mama."
Reporter: "Pardon me?"
Nineteen-year- old man: "Broke Your Mama. That's who I'm voting for.Broke Your Mama."
Reporter: "Oh, I see. And what about you, Miss?"
Twenty-one-year-old woman: "Me? I'm voting for ... uh ... Baroque Alabama".

Obama may overcome the confusion and concerns over his name, but it'll be harder to overcome racism. I'd like to think that the majority of Americans and certainly the vast majority of the younger generation --don't have a racist bone in their bodies or are at least taking medication for it. But it often takes just a small number of votes to sway an election. The 2004 pres id ential election was so close, John Kerry would have beaten George Bush if he had merely convinced everyone named 'John' to vote for him. The 2000 election was even closer. Al Gore would have beaten Bush if he had merely convinced Larry King's ex-wives to vote for him. If Obama gets the Democratic Party's nomination, bus loads of white supremacists may show up at the polls.
Reporter: "May I ask whom you're voting for?"
Supremacist: "What kind of (bleep) question is that? The white guy, of course."
Reporter: "So you agree with him about Iraq ?"
Supremacist: "Of course I do. Our country doesn't need Iraq Boboma --or whatever his name is."